I will not go into nitty gritty details, other than to say that there is something absolutely horrid about feeling totally helpless. Thank goodness even in my helplessness, the Lord assures me that I am not alone.
5:00 a.m. came much too early, Reader, but for some reason, my mind began tracing and retracing the events of yesterday, and sleep drifted away from me like a cool breeze on a hot summer day. There one moment, gone the next. Don't worry; the event I'm talking about isn't uncommon. You've probably felt this. You've probably lived it, and learned from it. Yet, despite knowing that so many others have felt what I am now, I cannot help but feel that utter and complete hopelessness.
So, as that glorious sleep left me, I began to wallow. Yes, I will admit it. I slipped into a pool of self-pity and wallowed there for a few minutes. What can I say? I'm human. After marinading in that misery for a moment, I began to pray (I'm well aware that this is probably a bit choppy sounding, but at the present moment, I don't give a care).
I've prayed for understanding, for peace, for hope, for healing, for grace, for mercy. I've prayed silently, and I've screamed prayers at the top of my lungs (gotta love the seclusion of a car drive). Anyway, I've got to say, God has a pretty great way of reminding me that He has everything under control. For at least the past month, I was fairly sure that this little bump in the road was going to come up (though it felt more like a boulder that refused to move a couple of hours ago), and a specific prayer of mine was this: If this is really going to happen, Lord, please allow it to be sooner rather than later. In all honesty, it really is better this way. My current prayer is just to let me move past this.
All right, so enough about me, here's the real heart of why I'm writing this. As wakefulness gripped it's claws around my mind, I was once again reminded of why something felt so wrong. Reeling from a fresh flood of hurt, I found myself grabbing for my Bible. Granted, I have never seen anything in there about how to handle this, but I suppose that's why I didn't write it. It would probably sound like a corny, slightly depressing paperback novel that you find for twenty-five cents at garage sales. So I began flipping.
Almost immediately, I opened to Philippians 4. Verses 2-9 discuss elements included in allowing the peace of God to enter one's life. Putting aside personal differences (v. 2-3), rejoicing in the Lord (v. 4), being kind to everyone (v. 5), meditating on "whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute"..."and worthy of praise" (v. 8); the last verse reads
The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. (verse 9).
If that's not encouraging, I don't know what is. You know this "peace" that's spoken of? It's the spirit of peace. The Holy Spirit, that the Lord gifted to His people, that they may never be alone in this world:
Peter said to them, "Repent, and each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit."
Acts 2:38
Well, I suppose that's my soapbox of the day. I'm not alone. It makes me wonder, how often do I seriously sit back and wallow? How often do any of us? And in all sincerity, God has given me a piece of Himself. A Spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. So, I'm letting go of why I hurt. I mean, ultimately, my trust has to be in God--not myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment