1. Never wash your face.
Let the residual mascara from yesterday salvage a few of the minutes you're losing due to unapologetic laziness.2. Get a fish.
It gives the appearance of responsibility without much of the hassle. Just throw some food into the tank when you don't want to eat dinner alone for the eighth time in the last five days. |
| This is Duck. He is a fish. He think's he's intimidating. He enjoys avoiding the leaf hammock I bought for him for $2.99. |
3. Christmases and birthdays
are golden opportunities to request groceries ...which you have been neglecting.4. Scroll through the Yahoo News on your phone whilst binge-watching Netflix.
Doing so will ensure that you will sound up-to-date on the times (as well as Grey's Anatomy).
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5. Acquire a taste for questionable food choices:
Frozen bread (because you never eat a whole loaf before it goes bad), room-temperature meats (after forgetting it in the microwave overnight), second-day coffee (because what else should you do with the leftovers?). This not only saves on effort whilst running late on early mornings, but also saves a ton of calories when the voice of reason sets in.
6. Divide your meal planning into two weeks.
During the first week, go out to eat multiple times, order too much to eat, and cut your meal in half, taking the leftovers home. At the end of week one, vow to save money and cut back on outside meals. During week two, eat all the leftovers. At the end of week two, realize you have no food. Repeat.
7. When you get paid:
Place a large portion of your paycheck in a saving's account and vow never to touch said account until you get to x amount of savings. Use the rest of your check on bills and Netflix, and cling to dear life to the $30 you're down to the day before your next paycheck. Live humbly, save royally.8. Know approximate mileage to various important locations in your nearby area....
...so that you may be better suited to leave as little room for error as humanly possible when finally arriving back at a gas pump. Welcome to feeling superior to your overachieving counterparts.
9. Build your caffeine tolerance.
No time for food? Caffeine. No time for sleep? Caffeine. Headache? Caffeine. No time for time? CAFFEINE. What if all of these dilemmas happen in one day? You're a trainwreck. That's what you've built the tolerance for.10. Learn to roll with the derailments.
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Because at the end of your train wreck of a day, you have to remember you're not the Conductor. Not every failure is supposed to beat you to a bloody pulp. Sometimes, it just puts you on a better track. Pick your caboose back up, toss some more coals in the engine, call into dispatch, and get back to the haul.
