The GMPMBSORWD

I dislike the word "no."  I will genuinely do almost anything to escape hearing that word.  As a kid, I remember refusing to ask my mother if I could have a friend over because I was so scared of hearing it, and even now, I would rather do everything myself than risk asking for someone to do me a favor and potentially hear a "no."

Yes, I am well aware of just how ridiculous I am, thank you very much.

I regret to say that sometimes my prayer life works in the same way.  The fear of receiving a sovereign rejection is overwhelming, so I will kind of leave out some things.  There was one recent request that I couldn't quite leave out, though.  It wouldn't be anything major to anyone else, but sometimes tunnel vision gets the best of me and this one measly little issue turned into the Great and Mighty Problem that Must Be Sorted Out Right Away and Without Delay.  I'll call it the GMPMBSORAWD for short (because I'm a sucker for acronyms).

Well, long story short, I went to God with my GMPMBSORAWD, and here is where I am standing today.  I know exactly how I want Him to answer me.  I can clearly see how bright and beautiful life would be if He would just listen to my logic!  And there would be sunshine and rainbows and half-price jelly beans everywhere (gotta love the after-Easter sales).

But He is not giving me that answer.  Let me assure you; in my very human nature, this is quite possibly one of the hardest lessons I'm having to learn.  To deny the will of the flesh in pursuit of the will of the Lord...  This is more than saying no to a second slice of your friend's birthday cake, or being strong enough to get out of bed instead of pressing the snooze a seventh time (don't judge).  This is one of those GMPMBSORAWDs that has taken me to the darkest pits of this world I've ever seen, and I'm utterly terrified to go back.

I thought that maybe I was being ridiculous at first--that maybe I was just picking up on cues that weren't there--but the more time that goes by, the more I see God putting His foot down.  I'm hearing it spoken through others, and in Bible studies, and I'm being bombarded with eye-opening realizations about the situation each day, and if I'm just really being honest with myself, after all of the prayer and fasting I've done over it, I can say that something about my idea on how to go about solving my GMPMBSORAWD just feels wrong.  Sorry for the cryptic wording, but I'm not sure of another way to put it.

This is not to say that I'm not still (all right I'll admit it--selfishly) hoping that maybe He will change His mind, nor am I saying that I've hit such a resolve about the issue that to deny myself is going to be easy.  I'm just saying He's worth it.

Gracious, I'm wordy today.  I found this in Ezekiel today, and it kind of brought me to a standstill:

"And the word of the Lord came to me saying,
'Son of man, behold, I am about to take from you the desire of your eyes with a blow; but you shall not mourn and you shall not weep, and your tears shall not come."
Ezekiel 24:15-16 

God told Ezekiel not to mourn for the death of his wife.  Don't worry--there was a reason behind it.  He wanted Ezekiel to be an example to the exiles, to show them not to mourn over the fall of Jerusalem.  It just struck me as one of those things that I question if I could do.  Could I deny my desire to mourn the death of someone I love if God told me not to?   How far am I willing to take my self-denial in the pursuit of God's will and glory?

And such are the questions of a rambling student on a Tuesday morning.